Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Where we stand, 16 years after the black hole.

Basically we are one year (this year) away from fully recovering for the black hole that hit us when we fired Serge Savard, for the same stupid reason that led the entire city to agree that Casseau had to go.

In order to stop consuming myself with pure frustration I try to focus on the fact that we are now basically back to where we started rather than on the pain that it was to achieve that.

Because where we started is with Patrick Roy in nets and a team built with warriors with, not the scariest offence, but one where the goals could come from everywhere and also a solid defense. The right mix of veterans and rookies with a few shipers and a few bigger, uglier mugs. A backup whose job is not be thought of, and we're good. That combination can win the Cup on any given year if the stars align right in the playoffs (as in : after you beat washington and pittsburgh there souldn't be two more rounds of hockey to play, to quote an example chosen at random).

I hope this clears things up.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ok, now who's ready for the playoffs?

Now are we in?  Can we talk about the playoffs now?

You prefer talking about our magic number? About the fraction of one percent chance we miss them still?

If the Habs are PTSD from the PatCHes assassination attempt, Habs fans are PTSD from the post-Serge Savard era.

To kick things off I say let's prepare for boston. Being ready for this year's boston will make us a better team because they are a better team on paper than depleted pittsburgh or defence-less washington. Plus you can't prepare of Ovechkin, Backstrom, Semin and Knuble, you can only worry about them. It's impossible to prepare for philly because they are unstoppable, it's just depressing to think that we could play them. I prefer denial at this point.

Plus, preparing for the booins will serve us well when we play them in round 1, the most likely of scenarios.

An end to the distraction

Do you think that any team in the NHL could possibly play Carey Price for six games at any point in the season and get zero point out of those six games?  Say the Islanders? The Panthers? Edmonton? I say Price plays six games in a row for these guys there's no chance that they won't get at least a point or two. And that's all the Habs need.

So relax. They were all turned in one instant from one of the sassiest in the league to the by far most completely depressed team.

The noise, the violence of the hit, the fear that he was dead for all that time, that's a real turnoff, man. It turned most of us off of watching or caring about hockey. So imagine them, on the ice from shift to shift, it's just...awful. Obviously they suck.

My first thought, when they said the goalless streak was a record from 65 years ago was "shit, was that the time that guy died, or something?"

I think this week is going to be good. Two weeks to go. Two clean sheets (the weeks). I think they'll be good.

One way or another, we're clinching this week, so everybody is finally going to feel allowed to talk about the playoffs, which I remind everyone, begin two weeks from now. Fortunately, the Habs know that more than a lot of Habs fans.

Go Habs Go! (GYFCHG, in the vernacular)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Good move by Martin today, but what about Monday?

I thought it was a great idea to make them skate it off today, because that's really all they needed to do : stop thinking about anything and physically shake off the numbness that had gotten hold of them.

However I don't know about not even calling a team meeting on Monday, if that is what they mean by giving them the day off, because they need support and the move might backfire if the mental state of some players worsens during that day because of the lack of contact with the group.

You may think this is funny and reading in too much (and you might be right), but psychological dispositions have a far greater impact on the outcome of a game or even a season than the numbers that appear on any given player's paycheck.

Great schedule ahead!

I love our last 6 games.

First, one week of playoff-intensity games against very beatable opponents. Get the feeling in without all that getting-your-ass-kicked finish to it. Terrific practice.

Then, a perfect last week to prepare : a prestige-playoff preparation game against Chicago to get a real taste of what's coming, followed by a "feel-good game" against Ottawa to get the confidence up and score a few goals here and there, and finally a game against the leaf to get us MAD just before the playoffs and tap into the extra energy players derive from hate. (Hopefully we do well but suffer a frustrating loss so we can really get that sense of "we really want to win the next one" for game #1 v. whoever). It doesn't matter if we don't do well against Ottawa because that'll just piss us off and lead us to pummel Toronto and enter the playoffs riled up and ready to go.

Any way you look at it, and regardless of what happens in this coming week, the Habs will be ready come playoffs.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

How wining 7-0 can make you the biggest loser ever

Great. So the massacre happened as I had predicted.

How could it have been otherwise? First, we were still technically mourning. There is no will for revenge that is welcome at a funeral. First, you mourn. Then, you think.

Second, we were missing our # 1 bruin-killer. You need a big, fast guy to crash the net and make things happen against a team like boston. Injuring him was a little bit like that stupid donkey booby clarke deliberately injuring Valery Kharlamov in the 1972 Canada-USSR showdown : yeah, once you injured our top forward we were sort of not the same team again. Congratulations.

boston was also out for revenge. We almost killed one of your guys, revenge!  That bullyish, subhuman mentality is the same attitude that lead a bunch of teenage cyberbullies to post evil, hateful posts on the facebook page created to honor the memory of the victim of their bullying who had committed suicide to escape them. You're dead? You piece of shit, I'll kill you for that!

But the main reason why the boo-ins won thursday's game is that they are one of the, if not the single most, loser franchise of all-time. Only a true, profound loser would give a fuck about the last of six games between rival teams just before they meet in the playoffs. It takes a deep commitment to sucking to waste seven (7!) goals on a meaningless regular season game just before facing off in the playoffs. Did scoring eight goals against minnesota serve the Habs well? Not so much, hunh? Why do you think it would be different for boston? For crying out loud, they even wasted a goal on the 3rd period buzzer, how lower a form of goal can you ever come up with?

Thursday's game was even more meaningless with this perspective : it was literally the only non-series game between the two teams this year. The game before was a very important game for both teams. First, the two points had a greater impact on the standings than they did Thursday. Even had the Habs won and wasted precious karma with the hockey Gods just to stay alive in the hunt, they would still most likely not have won the division, just because of how few games there are remaining.

But before last game, the season series was 3-1 Habs. A boston win would have brought the series at 3-2 with a chance to tie it just before the playoffs started. By losing that game 4-1 even though they tried their hardest and failed miserably, they also lost the season series 4-1 with one stupid useless meaningless game to play before starting another first-to-four-wins series.

Oooooooh, you won a stupid regular season game (now technically a pre-season game) with our team mourning the near death of our top forward and three guys out of sync coming back, me so scaaaared!  Oooooh, with this win you only lost the season series 4-2 with half our team missing the entire season, me be terriffiiiied !

To waste all that hockey karma, all those points with the hockey powers, to *only* go down 4-2 in the season series, wow. It really takes an inbred relationship with the purest form of losing to do that. WHO CARES ABOUT THAT STUPID GAME, NO ONE WAS GOING TO MISS THE PLAYOFFS ANYWAYS.

The only one thing that really hurts about yesterday is that Jacques Martin could not see coming what a stupid half-drunk blogger with a mustache could : we were always going to lose that game, and badly. So play Alex Auld and let him take the dive. Carey Price was going to sit on the backup bench, whether it be because we decided to, or because boston decided to. So you pick the latter? Gaaaahh!

Someone, somewhere is going to have to realize that we need to rest Price before the season ends. It's getting a little late for that now, because now that we played him in all those games he was too tired to play in, we lost those games and now we need a win here and there to solidify our position. So we'll play Carey Price. It defeats the whole purpose of playing him in the regular season if he's to tired to play in the postseason.

So, go ahead, panic, stupid city. Habs are 99,5% in but, panic. Have a firesale, trade Cammy, Giant, Gomez and Hamrlik for a bag of pucks. Start rebuilding with the Senator's 5th pick in 2013, you bunch of crazy crybabies.

We lost, ok? It doesn't change anything and get the fuck over it.

Ah, and this one goes directly to you, HF29 :  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, HABS WON'T WIN A STUPID PRE-SEASON SEASON GAME TO AVENGE OUR BEST FORWARD'S CRIMINALLY BROKEN NECK!!!1!11!!!!   How low are your revenge standards?  Oooh, we made the regular season series 5-1 from 4-1, now that broken neck is avenged, move on and drink beer?  Fuck me.

The only appropriate payback for that evil, debased hit, and a lot of fans spanning the entire spectrum of drunkness have been saying it, is a PLAYOFF victory over boston. Crush their playoffs hopes for the nth time, now THAT is appropriate revenge.

Fuck yesterday's game. FFS, people. It's one out of 82 stupid regular season games, and one of the ten that don't matter at all AFTER we clinch. Goddamnit, focus on the fucking playoffs.

Eyes on the prize, man. Jeez.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Random positions of the day : March 23, 2011

Boston : just when you thought they were done shitting themselves, they eat their own shit and throw up everywhere.

PK Subban : yeah I'd rather have Bobby Orr on my team than Gomez

Cammalleri : boy is it time playoffs start? Who is it next you lynchmob regulars want to kick off our team? Price? No that was last year this year he's not on your hate-radar? Plekanec? No that was three years ago when he was slumping, now he's amazing according to you.

The system : produced a solid clinch 10 games before the end of the season (99.5%, or whatever it is, is clinching or you need intermediate math classes). Who even really cares about "all these guys" that are injured? Don't you all just turn on the tv and expect a solid performance by whoever is dressed?

Gomez : gee, I'm so sorry what he does with the puck once he's taken it from behind our net to behind the opposition's net doesn't meet the expectations you have of a player who takes it end to end. You're right, demand more from your flying center. Maybe Carolina will let us have Staal, maybe TB will trade Stamkos, or maybe we can pay Lecavalier untill 2050, or let's get Brad Richards for 8 millilon, yeah, we'd really get less angry for 20 goals you know, for 8 million dollars, or let's many centers do you think there are out there?

Have you not heard this conversation before : "GM1: hey, GM2, I'd really like to have your superstar center on my team. GM2: yeah, me too. oh wait, I do have him on my team! laters..."

I remember distinctly wishing we had a gomez gionta first line back in the day, and here they are, in their prime. That means three more years of their best years. Yes, gomez is fucking up with the puck more than usual this year, yes he is sucking in gomez terms. but, fuck, he's our superstar center, too bad he's sucking but booing him and trashing him is not going to help him at all, and since he's not going anywhere the result is the habs take it on the chin when we boo one of our own in our own house just before the playoffs (we are at that point, you can tell the fans are about to boo him like brisebois).

Playoffs: This team is still emotionally in last year's playoffs. they approached this regular season as that large annoyance they had to shove up their asses to get another crack at the cup. The whole team will turn around: the amazing rookies who fueled our great regular season will become very quiet and our embattled veterans wil take the lead, all aligning perfectly for an amazing playoff run.

Winning (Henceforth known as Charlie-Sheen-ing or CSI) : has anyone noticed that the Habs won every important game this season? Beat every team ahead of them or of any relevance in the west? Won all those randomly-determined "must-win" games? Well, I did. I'm not scared of the playoffs at all.

Laffs : Double incentive for them to make the playoffs. 1. It contributes to making burkeston suck and 2. they're the only team I would trust in 8th to upset the phucktards (who suddenly seem so palatable compared to burkestolipitecus primitivus in the shit and piss uniforms out there).

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Welcome, Mr. MoustaCHe!


On the record (people)

This is my official position page. You can come here to see what my official position is on a variety of issues. Please do your best to disagree with some of them.

Let's start with people, shall we?

Mike McPhee : I rule.

Montreal Canadiens (ok, people and the Montreal Canadiens) : The only hockey team in the world. All the other teams are feable attempts to look like or compete with the Montreal Canadiens.

Patrick Roy : The winning-est winner ever with respect to hockey. Personally...not such a winner. But this is a hockey blog so I don't care.

Bob Gainey : One of the best players of all time, one of the best coaches of all time, and one of the best GM's of all time. I am more than happy to engage people who disagree with these statements. Carey Price, the 1990-1991 Minnesota North Stars and basically a trophy being named after him are my best arguments for each category (albeit in reverse chronological order).

Carey Price : A merger of the best Patrick Roy, Dominic Hasek and Martin Brodeur had to offer, minus the brains. Wait...never mind.

Jaroslav Halak : A mini-Carey Price, but with brains and heart. Too bad height counts more nowadays.

Hal Gill, Travis Moen, Jeff Halpern and Paul Mara : The difference between a team made of amazing scorers, a great goaltender, great defensemen and a genius coach and a collection of douches just waiting to be knocked out in the second round.

Maxim Lapierre : I do not miss being embarassed by his pussiness...but I would totally go nuts on St-Laurent with him anytime.

Guillaume Latendresse : I'm happy for him. He seems happy where he is.

Andrei K. and Benoît Pouliot : It'd be great if someone sent them a memo about the actual number of games there are in a season. Now I know you can live on half a heart and no testicle.

Sergei K. : I suspect him and Grabovski to be the same person. The games played sure add up, someone should look into that shit.

Gorgeous Gorges : I'm in love.

Roman Hamrlik : 1st pick overall, and has always played like one (except 20 games last season). Don't diss the Hammer.

Jaroslav Spacek : You find me one defenceman who can switch sides at 36. He's far better than people give him credit for.

PK Subban : Bobby Orr reincarnate hockeywise (much more fun personally), future winner of multiple Norris trophies, will redefine the position in modern age. Comes with a spin-o-rama on the "A" button on your NES controller.

Markov : He was a great player. We miss him.

James Wizniewski (I'm not bothering to look how to spell his name untill he removes that "your team logo here" sticker from his helmet) : he's better than Marc-André Bergeron, you crazy loon.

Mike Cammalleri : What? He's amazing.

Scott Gomez : Gomez is amazing. Everyone was bitching forever that we needed to stop dumping and chasing as a way of life, that we didn't have a real first-line center and that no star players ever wanted to sign in Montral. Gomez cured all three of those diseases. WTF, people?

Brian Gionta: Uncontroversial. He's great. No Habs fan dislikes Gionta.

Alex Auld : He's old, he's bald. He's Alex Auld. He's an actually decent goalie, but his number one contribution to the team, and it's been an important one, is to have not played and not stirred any goalie controversy. Awesome, we needed that.

Jacques Martin : One losing season out of 12 (post-expansion Ottawa Senators), mostly with Florida, he's great. How much mettle must an organization must have to convince a GM from another team to become your head coach? My only knock on Martin, and it's a considerable one, is that he's both not Guy Boucher and the reason why Guy Boucher is not coaching Montreal right now.

Guy Boucher : Habs hire eight rookie coaches in a row and the only one they really should have they let go. That hurts almost as much as when Patrick Roy was traded. We paid the biggest price possible for all those useless rookies, and the one time that we have a gem no one got their hands on we tell him : sorry, rookie, we have an experienced coach out there. Fuck me.

Max Pacioretty : Has yet to apologize for getting that great human being Chara into trouble and just causing so much embarrassment to the Bruins and the NHL, two great organizations.


Michel Bergeron : Does anyone else but me notice he boasts the second worst record of all-time in the NHL, second only to expansion Washington Capitals? Why they let him speak on t.v. is unclear, his opinion is always that whatever just happened will continue to happen for the next 20 years.

Ma..Trem.. : Did Parliament actually forget to pass some sort of legislation preventing this guy from spewing any opinion whatsoever with regards to the Habs? Look, man, we let you live. I think you should be happy and at least do us the favour of staying the fuck away from camera crews. What do you think, you piece of shit jackass? That we forgot how you singlehandedly destroyed our franchise? We still have yet to fully recover from the destruction you brought upon us, fucking douchebag. Suck your own asshole and die.

Réj. Hou.. : It's not his fault. He was way over his head and should never have been put there, he just didn't have the skills. Or the experience. Or the brains (in all fairness he's just not a very smart man). But he is a man, unlike fucktoad up there.

Ron. Cor.. : The man ultimately responsible for the debacle. He named the stooge who named the piece of shit who...well you know.

Benoît Brunet  : What a douche. He was our Glass Joe forever and now he's all "you gotta be tough in this league". Fuck you. Yes, that's spelled F-U-C-K Y-O-U, you illiterate fuck. Seriously, what are the people at RDS smoking? It's like one crazy decision after the other. Why don't you cover water polo in the middle of the world cup of soccer you crazy assholes? Wait, I think you did. Sigh.

Marc Denis, Joël Bouchard, Pierre Houde and Yvon Pedneault : they actually know what they're talking about. Boring as an opinion, I know, but hey, facts are facts.