Tuesday, March 15, 2011

On the record (people)

This is my official position page. You can come here to see what my official position is on a variety of issues. Please do your best to disagree with some of them.

Let's start with people, shall we?

Mike McPhee : I rule.

Montreal Canadiens (ok, people and the Montreal Canadiens) : The only hockey team in the world. All the other teams are feable attempts to look like or compete with the Montreal Canadiens.

Patrick Roy : The winning-est winner ever with respect to hockey. Personally...not such a winner. But this is a hockey blog so I don't care.

Bob Gainey : One of the best players of all time, one of the best coaches of all time, and one of the best GM's of all time. I am more than happy to engage people who disagree with these statements. Carey Price, the 1990-1991 Minnesota North Stars and basically a trophy being named after him are my best arguments for each category (albeit in reverse chronological order).

Carey Price : A merger of the best Patrick Roy, Dominic Hasek and Martin Brodeur had to offer, minus the brains. Wait...never mind.

Jaroslav Halak : A mini-Carey Price, but with brains and heart. Too bad height counts more nowadays.

Hal Gill, Travis Moen, Jeff Halpern and Paul Mara : The difference between a team made of amazing scorers, a great goaltender, great defensemen and a genius coach and a collection of douches just waiting to be knocked out in the second round.

Maxim Lapierre : I do not miss being embarassed by his pussiness...but I would totally go nuts on St-Laurent with him anytime.

Guillaume Latendresse : I'm happy for him. He seems happy where he is.

Andrei K. and Benoît Pouliot : It'd be great if someone sent them a memo about the actual number of games there are in a season. Now I know you can live on half a heart and no testicle.

Sergei K. : I suspect him and Grabovski to be the same person. The games played sure add up, someone should look into that shit.

Gorgeous Gorges : I'm in love.

Roman Hamrlik : 1st pick overall, and has always played like one (except 20 games last season). Don't diss the Hammer.

Jaroslav Spacek : You find me one defenceman who can switch sides at 36. He's far better than people give him credit for.

PK Subban : Bobby Orr reincarnate hockeywise (much more fun personally), future winner of multiple Norris trophies, will redefine the position in modern age. Comes with a spin-o-rama on the "A" button on your NES controller.

Markov : He was a great player. We miss him.

James Wizniewski (I'm not bothering to look how to spell his name untill he removes that "your team logo here" sticker from his helmet) : he's better than Marc-André Bergeron, you crazy loon.

Mike Cammalleri : What? He's amazing.

Scott Gomez : Gomez is amazing. Everyone was bitching forever that we needed to stop dumping and chasing as a way of life, that we didn't have a real first-line center and that no star players ever wanted to sign in Montral. Gomez cured all three of those diseases. WTF, people?

Brian Gionta: Uncontroversial. He's great. No Habs fan dislikes Gionta.

Alex Auld : He's old, he's bald. He's Alex Auld. He's an actually decent goalie, but his number one contribution to the team, and it's been an important one, is to have not played and not stirred any goalie controversy. Awesome, we needed that.

Jacques Martin : One losing season out of 12 (post-expansion Ottawa Senators), mostly with Florida, he's great. How much mettle must an organization must have to convince a GM from another team to become your head coach? My only knock on Martin, and it's a considerable one, is that he's both not Guy Boucher and the reason why Guy Boucher is not coaching Montreal right now.

Guy Boucher : Habs hire eight rookie coaches in a row and the only one they really should have they let go. That hurts almost as much as when Patrick Roy was traded. We paid the biggest price possible for all those useless rookies, and the one time that we have a gem no one got their hands on we tell him : sorry, rookie, we have an experienced coach out there. Fuck me.

Max Pacioretty : Has yet to apologize for getting that great human being Chara into trouble and just causing so much embarrassment to the Bruins and the NHL, two great organizations.


Michel Bergeron : Does anyone else but me notice he boasts the second worst record of all-time in the NHL, second only to expansion Washington Capitals? Why they let him speak on t.v. is unclear, his opinion is always that whatever just happened will continue to happen for the next 20 years.

Ma..Trem.. : Did Parliament actually forget to pass some sort of legislation preventing this guy from spewing any opinion whatsoever with regards to the Habs? Look, man, we let you live. I think you should be happy and at least do us the favour of staying the fuck away from camera crews. What do you think, you piece of shit jackass? That we forgot how you singlehandedly destroyed our franchise? We still have yet to fully recover from the destruction you brought upon us, fucking douchebag. Suck your own asshole and die.

Réj. Hou.. : It's not his fault. He was way over his head and should never have been put there, he just didn't have the skills. Or the experience. Or the brains (in all fairness he's just not a very smart man). But he is a man, unlike fucktoad up there.

Ron. Cor.. : The man ultimately responsible for the debacle. He named the stooge who named the piece of shit who...well you know.

Benoît Brunet  : What a douche. He was our Glass Joe forever and now he's all "you gotta be tough in this league". Fuck you. Yes, that's spelled F-U-C-K Y-O-U, you illiterate fuck. Seriously, what are the people at RDS smoking? It's like one crazy decision after the other. Why don't you cover water polo in the middle of the world cup of soccer you crazy assholes? Wait, I think you did. Sigh.

Marc Denis, Joël Bouchard, Pierre Houde and Yvon Pedneault : they actually know what they're talking about. Boring as an opinion, I know, but hey, facts are facts.

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